Starting Out

Dear Mr. McGillicuddy,

They say that the kids who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.  Unfortunately, I haven't been acting much like Jesus when you ask for love, and that hurts my heart to think about. 

I think about you ALL THE TIME. You probably don't know that.  We don't talk as much as I wish we could.  Sometimes it feels like we are on different planets.  I never thought I'd be that kind of mom; the one that lives on a different planet from her son. You probably think that as soon as I can shoo you out the door to school, or to a friends house, or off to bed, that you leave my mind and heart completely.  Sometimes I wish that was the case.  Sometimes, I'm so frustrated that I wish I could just let you go and forget about you for a while.  But I can't. And I don't. And I think about you all the time.  And every time I think of you, I imagine a better me that knows how to reach you and love you well.

You probably think I've replaced you in some ways.  That when Thing 2 and Thing 3 were born, you got forgotten.  Sometimes, if I'm being honest, I think that too.  And it makes me feel so sad, and scared, and shameful.  Because I never thought having a relationship with one of my kids would be so hard. And grown ups can get lost too sometimes.  And sometimes I'm lost when it comes to loving you.  I don't know what to do. Or how to relate. Or how to teach you wisdom and discipline, and how to be good, without being mean all the time.  It's easier to be sweet to a toddler, because they don't understand everything yet. But just because loving a toddler is EASIER, doesn't mean I love them MORE. I just have an easier time showing it to them.

The Bible tells us that "Love never fails." Never. Never ever ever in a million years to infinity ever. The Bible says that in the end, Love is all that will be left.  Because it never fails.  Because, when it comes down to it, it is the thing we need most throughout eternity. I wonder sometimes if I really believe that.  I know it in my head, but do I really believe it in my heart? If so, I don't always live like I believe it, because I fail you all the time. And yet, I must believe it some, because I'm still trying.  Like this. But for those times when it just seems like I can't make my attitude and actions line up with my heart, I'll give you this. This is grace.

I want you to know a thing or two about grace.  Things that I'm still learning now in my 30s; and will probably still be learning in my 60s; and maybe even in my 90s. Grace is free.  It is a gift that you don't deserve, and it is hard to "feel". Did you read that, though? You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it.  There is NOTHING you can do to deserve it. And you know what? Neither do I. I am so undeserving of the grace upon grace that has been given to me.  You know how you feel every time you mess up? Like you just don't belong and you should run away? Or like there is no purpose to your life? I feel that too. Every time we have a meltdown, and can't get along.  I feel that every time I mess up as a mom.  And if you haven't figured it out yet, I mess up A LOT. All those times we mess up? That's sin.  It doesn't feel good, does it? And that is what grace is for. Unfortunately, I get bogged down with shame.

Do you know what shame is? According to the dictionary, it is "a painful emotion caused by an awareness of guilt or shortcoming." I feel this shame so often because EVERY SINGLE TIME I set out to be a good mom to you, I fall short.  I fall so so so so short. And I'm ashamed.  I am ashamed for the many many times I shame you even.  God is not like that. He's not in the shaming business.  He is in the business of moving forward.  Yes. He wants you to be aware of your guilt and sin, but he doesn't want you to hold onto it and think you're worthless.  He wants you to feel guilty so that you can know how good his Grace really is! You are not worthless at all. You are, when you're willing to accept it, covered in grace, and in that amazing love that never fails. Never. Never ever ever in a millions years to infinity ever.

So here it is. These letters, this word, is my way of accepting grace in the middle of my shame, and offering that same grace to you. You know what? You don't measure up. You're not good enough.  YOU NEVER WILL BE. But that is what grace is for. I love you anyway. God loves you even more. I know that just as I should take joy in my own weakness, I should relish yours as well. Did you know that our weakness is where God's strength is shown the most? So all those things that you don't like about you, and that I don't like about you, and dad doesn't like about you? Those are where God can show his power.  And I know that he has some incredibly powerful things for you.

I'm a bad mom.  Your 10 year old eyes will probably skim this letter and see only this.  But it's true. And all I can do is embrace the grace that God gave me, and even gave me in you. He has richly blessed me to be your mom.  That's grace.  He gave you to me, even when I'm not good at this.  He gave you to me for a reason.

You know what? You're a bad kid sometimes too. Some times, you're really hard to love. Sometimes, you can be mean, selfish, and hurtful.  But God gave you a mom and dad who loves you even though.  He let his own Son die even while you were being mean, selfish and hurtful.  That's grace.  He loves you so so much. Don't run away from it.  You'll be such a strong person if you embrace all of it.  This grace.

And even on the days when you don't get the mountain dew, and it seems all I ever say is no, and you're so sad about where you fit in, or don't fit in in the family, try to remember that you are so loved. And please know that when I calm down, I'll remember too.

Love,

Mom